Confessions of a Writer….Understanding the TEST in the TESTimony

Today is November 13, 2014.  A very special day.  Today is the day I walked down the aisle. Today is my 3 year Anniversary.  The same feelings that engulfed my mind, my heart, and my spirit 3 years ago are the exact same feelings I feel today…..3 years later.  I was full of love and excitement.  My life was beginning and I was ready.  Today was the day that I got to not only share with the love of my life, but with family and close friends and yes….God! Marriage is a major step and you have to be mentally ready. You can read as many books and get as much advice from seasoned married people, but you don’t fully get it until you are living it.  It all makes sense once you live it day in and day out.  This is the person you wake up to every morning and the last person you literally see before you close your eyes at night. Before the “I Do”  during the ceremony there is a part where you take your vows.  Some of us chose to go with the traditional vows and some of us chose to say our own, but you do take vows.  I can remember really thinking about what I wanted to say, but most importantly what it all meant.  Vows are what you are committing to.  You are held accountable to these vows.  You are saying this before God, your family, your close friends, and your spouse.  Never would I have imagined 3 years later that the “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” would be knocking at our door.  

Over the past 3 1/2 months I have felt like I have been on a roller coaster that did not have any brakes.  I have felt every loop, twist, and turn.  There have been days that I didn’t even know if I was going or coming.  There have been days where I didn’t even know what to think or even do.  Everything was spiraling and it was spiraling fast. For the first time in my life, my Faith was wavering.  I did not know what to believe.  3 1/2 months ago I found myself rushing my Husband to the emergency room where we would spend 10 solid days while he was clinging for his life.  We didn’t know what our future held.  All we knew we were headed to St. Louis one minute on a new journey, only to have that short lived when we came home to Atlanta for a quick visit.  In an instant, we were sitting in a hospital room full of uncertainties.  After 10 days things started looking hopeful.  My husband wasn’t 100%, but he surely was not how he was 10 days prior to.  Even the Doctor’s were in complete awe with the turn around.  All I could think of…But, God!!  

After he was released 2 weeks later we were headed back to St. Louis.  I had never been more scared in my life.  I was not looking forward to taking this trip back there because in my heart, I knew he was not ready.  I knew he was not healed. Everything was still so uncertain and I was so unsure of what was to come.  Well, as sure as I thought it, we were only there for 3 days before his company decided to bring us back to Atlanta while we wait on a 2nd official start date of his job.  By now, I was tired, I was exhausted, and I was developing so many emotions that I didn’t know if I could even endure any of it.  At this point, I had became a nurse and the prominent driver.  All those road trips back and forth to St. Louis from Atlanta was on me because my husband was too sick to drive.  I learned how to administer antibiotics through a PICC Line and check blood sugar all while driving.  In a months time, I didn’t even know what sleep was.  The first 3 days of his initial hospital stay, sleep was not even an option.  It was too much going on and too much information to absorb and I was scared.   Here we were driving around with our SUV packed because we had moved.  We decided to stay with my mom while we wait.  Imagine trying to live in a one bedroom apartment.  I felt so horrible that my mom was on a couch because she insisted we take her bedroom.  Talk about sleepless nights. I don’t even think my husband slept much because he felt horrible.  Not only from his sickness, but because of the living situation.

By this time, August rolls around and we decided that we would split our time between his parents home in Ninety Six, South Carolina and Atlanta. Plus we wanted to give my mom some space.  So, we headed up the road to South Carolina to visit. We stayed a few days and we were headed back to Atlanta for doctor visits that turned into a nightmare and we found ourselves right back in Ninety Six at the emergency room due to not being able to get the proper care in Atlanta. We would spend 4 days this time in the hospital. By now I was beyond exhausted. I literally couldn’t think straight. I feel like I slept the entire 4 days while my husband was in the hospital and I couldn’t tell you anything that happened. My body and mind had shut down. The only thing I know we were getting answers to this sickness and things seemed like they were going in the right direction.

Now it’s September. We were still in Ninety Six while he recovered and things were going ok. I was still tired because my husband was on a schedule with medicines and I had to make sure everything was being taken care of with the meds.

11 days into September the newest addition to my family was born so I came home to Atlanta to help my sister out for 2 weeks. I was there in body, but mentally I was back in Ninety Six with my husband. My mind was clouded with worry. I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was hard for me to not think about the fact that he was sick, we both were not working because I had quit my job when we found out that he had gotten the job in St. Louis and he hadn’t worked going on 2 months. Reality was sinking in….fast! My Faith was shot. I found myself being angry with God. I had never felt that before. I was ashamed of those feelings, but it didn’t stop me from being angry. I was giving up. I had made up my mind that all the praying was pointless and that we had failed. I felt like a failure. Which made me resent my husband. I was bitter. I was lashing out at him. I was being reclusive. To add fury to the fire, right before I came back to Ninety Six we finally got word from the doctor the solution to his illness. And boy was we not prepared to hear that it would require him to have open heart surgery to repair or replace one of his heart valves.

It’s October now and we are meeting with his doctor to discuss options if his valve can’t be repaired. That was a Wednesday. We had an option for surgery to be that Friday or that Monday. I don’t know who was in more shock. My husband or myself. My husband decided to go with Monday to buy him just a little time to try and mentally prepare for it. Monday rolls around like the blink of an eye and it’s 5:30am and we are headed to the hospital. My mind was all over the place. The night before I was reading the Bible and I stumbled upon Job 23:10. From that scripture I could only hear God saying, “You shall come through”. The entire time my husband was being operated on I felt this heaviness in my heart. My heart was hurting. Every time the nurse would open the waiting room door with an update, I was scared. I could not mentally think what I would do if my husband did not pull through. As the day went on my mind relaxed and I remembered the scripture I read the night before. The surgery was successful. And the recovery road would begin…..

Despite the angriness and bitterness, I would still find solace in turning to God. When it is all said and done, God will never leave us nor forsake us. The crazy thing is as bitter and angry as I was with my husband, I never turned my back on him. I knew he needed me and in the back of my mind those vows we took still meant something. I have been right by his side through all of this and I love him today even more that I did 3 years ago when we said “I Do”. I worked through all of that anger and bitterness. I am free from all of that.

And here it is November. Our anniversary! Today I was ready to share our testimony. It’s been a month since my husband had open heart surgery. He is doing excellent! He is recovering well. We have an awesome support system from his family as well as my own. We could not have gotten through any this without them. Our closest friends have been a good support as well. And Our biggest cheerleader God has showed us that together we can get through anything. Without this test, we wouldn’t have the testimony to share with the world. God is good! We never know why God places people in our lives but when it is revealed…..My God! We never know what the next person is enduring or going through. We think our problems are bigger than the next. We just have to remember to be thankful. 3 1/2 months ago I could have been burying my husband when he first got sick. A month ago I could have been burying him when he had to have open heart surgery. My God had other plans. So, I am thankful and we are Blessed!

To my Husband:
Happy 3 year Anniversary. It has been an interesting 3 years, but I can’t think of anyone else that I would have wanted to spend the last 3 years with. Thank you for believing in me, accepting me flaws and all, and loving me unconditionally. I thank God for saving us for each other and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together.

Love Always,

reACTion to reACT


When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress becomes manageable. 

~Greg Anderson

Today I just so happen to catch the end of Steve Harvey’s new talk show while eating lunch at work.  He was closing the show with some inspirational words.  He was sharing with us a few quotes that he lives by and one quote stuck out and stayed with me for the duration of my day….. 

“Be about the Business of doing something about it” 

We can’t just expect things to always just fall into place.  We have to actually get up and do something in order to be where we want to be.  Action=Success, so let’s get Active!!!


Dare To Be Different


Try something different today than what you did yesterday. Smile more, speak more, be nicer, be sweeter, shake more hands, give more hugs, give an extra thank you, tell someone “i love you”, praise more, pray more…..go the extra mile! It’ll make a difference!

Open Your Eyes

I know we tend to use the term “everything happens for a reason” so loosely, but I think the average person doesn’t really take the time to fully understand the reason or can even identify what the reason really is.

In every situation whether it is good or bad, I always try to figure out what role I played in it, what I did right, wrong, or what I could have done better. Some people call it anal, I call it being thorough so that I can not make the same mistake twice. If it was something good, I want to figure out how to be even better the next time.

In life we go through things to learn from it. If we never experienced anything how can we grow?! The decisions we make in life determine how our life exists. We have a right to every decision we make, but the consequences are far from our reach. We don’t control it…God does! We have to make better decisions and to do that, it first starts with building a better relationship with God.

Before we make decisions, we should be consulting with God. I don’t mean telling him what you are going to do, but asking to see if it aligns with what he has planned for us.

If you find yourself in the same situations over and over again then it’s time to try something different. Change is inevitable, but can be so beneficial. It can be the next best thing in your spiritual growth.

What are you going to differently? What works for you?


Life Rhythms

This past week or so has been a very trying time for me.  I was just feeling like life is just like a roller coaster…the tracks are built for your cart to go up and down and when you are on the ride while it is down, you anticipate the going up!  It has to go up and as slow as it may take it to go up, you know it is going to go up.  These very words I had to give to a blogger friend today, but as I was typing it for them I realized I needed it for myself as well!  Life is just funny like that.  We go through all of these life rhythms and even though you feel like you might be off beat, there is always that point when you eventually have rhythm.  It’s at these times where your faith has to be in tact.  I was reading one of my favorite blogs ispygod today and she gave me that boost I needed to get back on track.  As I was reading her post, all I could think about was Matthew 17:20….having Faith as small as a Mustard Seed.

  Keeping the Faith, Believing, Prayer and Knowing that we can increase any and all areas of our lives with just that simple formula.  Prior to writing this post, I decided to reread one of my many journals.  I would be lost without a journal….a pen/pencil and paper is like my therapeutic realm.  I collect journals not only because I love to write, but because I have to write; my thoughts, feelings, conversations with God, songs, poems, short stories, things to do lists(that’s another post within itself) ;-) or just to doodle is just how serious it is for me to have a journal handy at all times.  As I was reading one of my journals, I came across a Journal Entry dated October 18, 2009:

Dear God,

These days my mind has been so full!  There is just so much that is swarming around in my head and it is not any bad things.  Today as I was getting my brakes done, the guy that was fixing them said to me, “I don’t hear any music, but you are surely rocking back and forth and that tells me that you are a happy person!”  That made me feel extra good and put an even bigger smile on my face.  I am happy, happier than I have ever been in a long time.  I feel so at peace.  It almost feels like I have this big secret that only you and I know about.  I just want to scream and shout and just get my praise on and tell everyone I come across just how awesome you are.  I was so upset that I couldn’t go to church today, but unfortunately my brakes gave out as I was pulling out of the driveway.  So, I know there is a reason for that protection.  Lord please continue to guide me and help me to make sound decisions spiritually, mentally, financially, and even physically.  I thank you for your grace and mercy and patience.  I thank you for all the blessings that you have blessed me with and will bless me with.  All I ask is to be blessed to be a blessing to others.  Thank you for all of my family, loved ones, and friends!  I love you!

In Jesus Name,


So, you see Life is full of rhythm and even when we get off beat, we can always find our way back and get right back in tune with the beat!!  Reading my journal entry from 2 years ago really made me smile because it is so me to always rock back and forth because there is always music in my head.  I truly fit the phrase, “Dancing to the beat of my own Drum.”  It’s almost as if I am having a special dance with God because he is my leading man!!  ;-)

Day 14 #photoadayMay…Grass, a Rainbow and the Silver Lining

I missed yesterdays “Photo A Day May” because it was so rainy and I didn’t want to take a gloomy picture of Day 14 “Grass”! So, I decided to wait until today since it is nice and pretty out. I was just reading butterflyofhappiness’ blog that I stumbled across today thanks to reading one of my favorite bloggers blog today(Eric at healthdemystified). The first thing that I see when I clicked on her blog is a picture of a Rainbow and I LOVE rainbows!! Rainbows remind us of God’s Promise…..Genesis 9:11-17. (Please check out her awesome post for today!!)

Yesterday was a trying day for me. I fell into a “I just want to curl up into my own cocoon and shut the world out” day! No motivation what so ever. I had decided at the end of last week that I would take a week off of blogging and just focus on trying to write my book that I have been working on and how do I start the week?!! In a funk of a mood. Maybe because the weather was so gloomy and my mood matched it, but I just wanted to stay in my room and I literally did not resurface until the lack there of sun went down. And then I was beating myself up for not sticking to the plan of working on my book. Let’s just say nothing got done yesterday.

Low and behold today…the sun is out and there is not a trace of rain and I was able to take my pic!! And in that pic there is a tiny yellow flower that caught my eye. That put a knowing smile on my face!! Just as I was composing this, I was thinking about the silver lining of it all….it’s okay to began again. We are blessed to see another day. It’s another chance to be all that we can be and continue to do exactly what we were placed here to do!! :-) Happy Tuesday!!


“I came to win, to fight, to conquer to thrive

I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

To fly, to Fly………

‘Cause I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a girl that can ever be defined”

Sometimes it takes just the one thing to bring you right back to reality.  Once your feet hit the ground, you can do one of two things…..flight or fleet. Taking flight ya”ll!!!!


Random Thoughts

So, it’s been about a week since I last posted something.  Here’s just a little something I wrote a looooong time ago and since this is where I am at the moment, it fits!!  Enjoy!


When you’re thorough
People say you’re too much
When you’re efficient
People say you’re just extra
When you’re precise
People say you’re just picky
But, when all of the above is beneficial to people
Then you’re right on time
So, keep it moving and let me be the Greatness HE created me to be

“Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action.”

-1 John 3:18