Confessions of a Writer….Understanding the TEST in the TESTimony

Today is November 13, 2014.  A very special day.  Today is the day I walked down the aisle. Today is my 3 year Anniversary.  The same feelings that engulfed my mind, my heart, and my spirit 3 years ago are the exact same feelings I feel today…..3 years later.  I was full of love and excitement.  My life was beginning and I was ready.  Today was the day that I got to not only share with the love of my life, but with family and close friends and yes….God! Marriage is a major step and you have to be mentally ready. You can read as many books and get as much advice from seasoned married people, but you don’t fully get it until you are living it.  It all makes sense once you live it day in and day out.  This is the person you wake up to every morning and the last person you literally see before you close your eyes at night. Before the “I Do”  during the ceremony there is a part where you take your vows.  Some of us chose to go with the traditional vows and some of us chose to say our own, but you do take vows.  I can remember really thinking about what I wanted to say, but most importantly what it all meant.  Vows are what you are committing to.  You are held accountable to these vows.  You are saying this before God, your family, your close friends, and your spouse.  Never would I have imagined 3 years later that the “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” would be knocking at our door.  

Over the past 3 1/2 months I have felt like I have been on a roller coaster that did not have any brakes.  I have felt every loop, twist, and turn.  There have been days that I didn’t even know if I was going or coming.  There have been days where I didn’t even know what to think or even do.  Everything was spiraling and it was spiraling fast. For the first time in my life, my Faith was wavering.  I did not know what to believe.  3 1/2 months ago I found myself rushing my Husband to the emergency room where we would spend 10 solid days while he was clinging for his life.  We didn’t know what our future held.  All we knew we were headed to St. Louis one minute on a new journey, only to have that short lived when we came home to Atlanta for a quick visit.  In an instant, we were sitting in a hospital room full of uncertainties.  After 10 days things started looking hopeful.  My husband wasn’t 100%, but he surely was not how he was 10 days prior to.  Even the Doctor’s were in complete awe with the turn around.  All I could think of…But, God!!  

After he was released 2 weeks later we were headed back to St. Louis.  I had never been more scared in my life.  I was not looking forward to taking this trip back there because in my heart, I knew he was not ready.  I knew he was not healed. Everything was still so uncertain and I was so unsure of what was to come.  Well, as sure as I thought it, we were only there for 3 days before his company decided to bring us back to Atlanta while we wait on a 2nd official start date of his job.  By now, I was tired, I was exhausted, and I was developing so many emotions that I didn’t know if I could even endure any of it.  At this point, I had became a nurse and the prominent driver.  All those road trips back and forth to St. Louis from Atlanta was on me because my husband was too sick to drive.  I learned how to administer antibiotics through a PICC Line and check blood sugar all while driving.  In a months time, I didn’t even know what sleep was.  The first 3 days of his initial hospital stay, sleep was not even an option.  It was too much going on and too much information to absorb and I was scared.   Here we were driving around with our SUV packed because we had moved.  We decided to stay with my mom while we wait.  Imagine trying to live in a one bedroom apartment.  I felt so horrible that my mom was on a couch because she insisted we take her bedroom.  Talk about sleepless nights. I don’t even think my husband slept much because he felt horrible.  Not only from his sickness, but because of the living situation.

By this time, August rolls around and we decided that we would split our time between his parents home in Ninety Six, South Carolina and Atlanta. Plus we wanted to give my mom some space.  So, we headed up the road to South Carolina to visit. We stayed a few days and we were headed back to Atlanta for doctor visits that turned into a nightmare and we found ourselves right back in Ninety Six at the emergency room due to not being able to get the proper care in Atlanta. We would spend 4 days this time in the hospital. By now I was beyond exhausted. I literally couldn’t think straight. I feel like I slept the entire 4 days while my husband was in the hospital and I couldn’t tell you anything that happened. My body and mind had shut down. The only thing I know we were getting answers to this sickness and things seemed like they were going in the right direction.

Now it’s September. We were still in Ninety Six while he recovered and things were going ok. I was still tired because my husband was on a schedule with medicines and I had to make sure everything was being taken care of with the meds.

11 days into September the newest addition to my family was born so I came home to Atlanta to help my sister out for 2 weeks. I was there in body, but mentally I was back in Ninety Six with my husband. My mind was clouded with worry. I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was hard for me to not think about the fact that he was sick, we both were not working because I had quit my job when we found out that he had gotten the job in St. Louis and he hadn’t worked going on 2 months. Reality was sinking in….fast! My Faith was shot. I found myself being angry with God. I had never felt that before. I was ashamed of those feelings, but it didn’t stop me from being angry. I was giving up. I had made up my mind that all the praying was pointless and that we had failed. I felt like a failure. Which made me resent my husband. I was bitter. I was lashing out at him. I was being reclusive. To add fury to the fire, right before I came back to Ninety Six we finally got word from the doctor the solution to his illness. And boy was we not prepared to hear that it would require him to have open heart surgery to repair or replace one of his heart valves.

It’s October now and we are meeting with his doctor to discuss options if his valve can’t be repaired. That was a Wednesday. We had an option for surgery to be that Friday or that Monday. I don’t know who was in more shock. My husband or myself. My husband decided to go with Monday to buy him just a little time to try and mentally prepare for it. Monday rolls around like the blink of an eye and it’s 5:30am and we are headed to the hospital. My mind was all over the place. The night before I was reading the Bible and I stumbled upon Job 23:10. From that scripture I could only hear God saying, “You shall come through”. The entire time my husband was being operated on I felt this heaviness in my heart. My heart was hurting. Every time the nurse would open the waiting room door with an update, I was scared. I could not mentally think what I would do if my husband did not pull through. As the day went on my mind relaxed and I remembered the scripture I read the night before. The surgery was successful. And the recovery road would begin…..

Despite the angriness and bitterness, I would still find solace in turning to God. When it is all said and done, God will never leave us nor forsake us. The crazy thing is as bitter and angry as I was with my husband, I never turned my back on him. I knew he needed me and in the back of my mind those vows we took still meant something. I have been right by his side through all of this and I love him today even more that I did 3 years ago when we said “I Do”. I worked through all of that anger and bitterness. I am free from all of that.

And here it is November. Our anniversary! Today I was ready to share our testimony. It’s been a month since my husband had open heart surgery. He is doing excellent! He is recovering well. We have an awesome support system from his family as well as my own. We could not have gotten through any this without them. Our closest friends have been a good support as well. And Our biggest cheerleader God has showed us that together we can get through anything. Without this test, we wouldn’t have the testimony to share with the world. God is good! We never know why God places people in our lives but when it is revealed…..My God! We never know what the next person is enduring or going through. We think our problems are bigger than the next. We just have to remember to be thankful. 3 1/2 months ago I could have been burying my husband when he first got sick. A month ago I could have been burying him when he had to have open heart surgery. My God had other plans. So, I am thankful and we are Blessed!

To my Husband:
Happy 3 year Anniversary. It has been an interesting 3 years, but I can’t think of anyone else that I would have wanted to spend the last 3 years with. Thank you for believing in me, accepting me flaws and all, and loving me unconditionally. I thank God for saving us for each other and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together.

Love Always,
Shira❤
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Phenomenal Woman…Maya Angelou

When I was in 10th grade I decided I would join my school’s annual pageant. We had to perform a “talent” as one of the elements to be judged during the competition. I racked my brain at first trying to figure out what I would do. Finally I decided I would do a poem….a skit. It was befitting. See, even then I loved to write and I loved poetry. Instead of writing my own I decided to present one of my favorite poems by the wonderful Maya Angelou…..”Phenomenal Woman”. The words alone exuded exactly what I needed to convey. I didn’t win that pageant, but to be able to share such powerful words to people who might not have ever heard of Maya Angelou was a winner in my book!
image~Rest in Peace Maya Angelou~

“Phenomenal Woman, That’s you.”

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Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

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Confessions of a Writer…..Through the looking Glass

Traveling down the trail of life
Destination unknown
Rough patches heavily worn
The looking lens bear no resemblances
The tattered mirror reveals the emptiness
Dare I nudge the conflicted connection
Wait…..there lies no reflection
Swaying between the fact and fiction
Teetering without a mission
Where this train stops, there ain’t no telling
Mind Battered and wounded
Wrapped up tightly it stays bounded
Forceful grin to he who looks within
The only thing that captivates me is the desire to win
Constraints to stay sane
To mask the constant pain
The struggling tributes that stain
The mere existence brings rain
Trudging through the mud
How did it flood?
Walking blindly through the obstacles
Feeling bare backed without a cover
Quick…..somebody hide me
Daring to break free
Hidden solutions taunt me often
Thoughts of the internal fire outweigh the sin
11:13 means more than what the clock reads
It’s life over death
The ending to begin
The trump card to all that fell behind
Learning and relating
Relating to learn
Saying yes to the task
That had already begun
And as rambled as this all seemed
Somehow, somebody just might believe the dream
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Making 2014 count by…….Growth

I came upon an awesome blog post at
littlebabygarvin.blogspot.com where she and several fellow bloggers are doing an awesome project where other bloggers will “link up” and share how we all plan on #making2014count. I think this is beyond awesome and a great way to make 2014 an unforgettable year along with meeting new friends and encouraging each other through our journeys! As I have said countless times before, the blogging world is a community of mounds of very talented and creative individuals with plentiful things to share. Since joining this world, I have gained an array of wonderful  friends that I cherish and adore.

Ironically before stumbling across this post, I had just written a post entitled “When Peace Finds You“. In that post I talk about how trying 2013 was and how I spent the majority of the year with this fascination about trees and I couldn’t pin point exactly why until I began a corporate fast. And that’s where I heard the word GROWTH. It meant growth….I was experiencing growth.
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I plan to make 2014 count by continuing to grow. Growth in every area of my life. Individually, Collectively, Spiritually, Mentally, Physically, Financially, etc. I plan to grow as a person, in my marriage, on my job, in my business, as a friend, sister, daughter, auntie, and eventually as a mother.

2014 will be a prosperous year and I plan to make it count. In 2014 I plan to fully live, love, and enjoy my journey. No more coasting as I did in 2013.

Thank you littlebabygarvin.blogspot.com for this great project!

Here’s to growing in 2014……

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Stayed tuned for a post on “13 things I learned in 2013″…..

A Valentine’s Story: A Grandfather’s Love

valentines-day-poems-for-parents-from-kids-i12Growing up I was blessed to have my maternal grandparents in my life…they raised my siblings and I.  So, I have so many fond memories and the joys of living with my grandparents.  My grandfather was an awesome man.  He showered me and my sister with so much love.  He was the perfect example of the type of love you should receive from a man.  He was the first man who ever loved me and showed it.  There was not a day that he did not tell me that he loved me and that I was beautiful.  He promoted love 365 days out of a year, so on Valentine’s Day he went out of his way to shower my sister and I with cards, candy, teddy bears, etc.  Do you understand why he felt it was important for him to do this?  His whole mantra was for us to understand that love begins at home and to help us develop self-love first.   So when we went out into the world we’d appreciate acts of love because we deserved it.  And  because we love ourselves first, we aren’t disappointed if we don’t receive a Valentine’s gift on Valentine’s Day because our Valentine’s Day is everyday!  My grandfather is no longer here physically, but I am often reminded of his love everyday and although I won’t get that extra special love he displayed on Valentine’s Day by him, I still hold dear to the memories I shared with him.  Happy Valentine’s Day Granddaddy! May you Rest in Peace!

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~Happy Valentine’s Day from Lovebug’s World to yours!

Valentine’s Day is the National “Love Day”.  Tons of companies make so much money off of this one day.  Although love should be spread everyday, this day is still highly emphasized.  It’s all about the commercial appeal, so it’s easy to get sucked in. Valentine’s Day every year spark so many emotions good or bad usually evoked depending on if you are in a relationship or not.  And sadly, depending on if you “receive” something or not.  Which usually puts people in a not so good mood from the wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, the single people, and even the side people(I have been seeing topics on this more and more as today was fast approaching, so this is a whole other topic). My friendly advice is whether you are with someone or not remember that love starts within.  If you are with someone show that person you love them the other 364 days as well. Love isn’t always about showering someone with gifts.  If you are not with someone love isn’t always about a guy or a girl, it could be your Child, your Brother, Sister, Mother, Father, Grandparents, and even friends.  So, see you are loved in all the most tangible ways possible from more people than you could ever imagine.  So, in the spirit of “Love Day” let’s  spread a little love by giving someone a smile, a hug, and even a “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

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Happy Anniversary!

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On this day exactly 1 year ago, I married my Soulmate! I can truly say within a year I have learned so much and I would do it all over again with the exact same person! Marriage is a beautiful thing between two individuals who become one! Here’s to a lifetime….